The nation is in a tizzy over new airport security measures, and it seems no one’s junk is safe as you approach the screening area. In our quest to help solve America’s pressing problems, HardyMag has forwarded some ideas to top level TSA officials in an effort to derive a solution to this dilemma between security and the sanctity of our nuts.
Hot TSA Agent Line
Our first suggestion is for the TSA to intensively recruit hot chicks. Strippers would be ideal here. One line can be solely manned by cute TSA agents, and they can even have tip jars. We envision 30% of the travelling public (basically all straight men travelling without their wives/girlfriends) would happily go through this line and have their junk grabbed, groped and yanked with no complaints whatsoever.
A second line could be manned by OB-GYN’s who could screen for lumps and maybe even get in a pap smear or two during low traffic periods. Female travellers would be far more comfortable being touched by a licensed professional as opposed to by a bulldyke TSA agent who conjures up images from women’s prison B movies.
No Checked Baggage Fee Line
Most people are so annoyed with check baggage fees that they would gladly allow a TSA agent to stick his thumb up their ass to avoid them. This line would remove any checked baggage fee you were charged in return for making your junk fair game and not bitching about it.
X-Ray Scan Dating Site Line
This line could be in partnership with a popular dating site, upon which all scans are posted along with the email address of the person scanned. If you got it — flaunt it. One would imagine that at least 10% of the travelling public would eagerly queue up in this line with no complaints at all.
Incorporation of these 4 screening lines would satisfy at least 70% of the flying public, removing their cause for objections. As for the other 30% — well you can’t please everyone. We are awaiting an official response from the TSA, and we will post advance notice of the adoption of any of our ideas immediately upon our notification.