The Top 5 Manly Vehicles On The Road Today

No one wants to drive around in a chick car, however, some guys take it to the extreme by selecting a vehicle which is virtually dripping with testosterone.  Choices within this realm range from superfast sportscars to tough trucks which are fit for an afternoon drive through Kabul.  The following five vehicle choices will absolutely ensure that no one ever accuses you of driving a chick car.

Hummer H1 Alpha

For those who the normal H1 isn’t alpha-male enough comes the limited production H1 Alpha.  The Alpha is a one year production model which features both aesthetic upgrades along with a few substantive mechanical changes.  The Alpha gets a more powerful engine, an extra gear for its transmission and more efficient brakes.  These enhancements result in appreciably improved performance on the part of the Alpha when compared to its normal H1 brethren.

On a disappointing note, the Alpha still suffers from several of the same deficiencies as experienced when driving a traditional H1.  Getting around in city traffic remains a daunting task — not to mention squeezing into typical urban parking spaces.  The interior of the H1 Alpha remains about as elegant and comfortable as that of its military counterpart, which is to say you can expect less than a luxurious ride in this manly beast.  However, comfort and fancy wood on the dashboard is for wimps, right?  One would hope on the next special production run Hummer moves the tuck-up drive line thus freeing up some additional interior space.  Increasing the size of the puny seats wouldn’t hurt either.

Short of some miracle, this probably won’t be seen considering the fact that GM has discontinued H1 production.  The H1 Alpha was only produced during the 2006 production year which mostly likely portend to it becoming a valued collectible in the future.  The Alpha boasts a hyped-up 6.6 liter V8 giving the Alpha significantly more power than the baseline H1.  This engine kicks out 520 pound-feet of torque and a full 300 horsepower.  This is a vast improvement when compared to the base H1’s 440 pound-feet of torque and 205 horsepower.  For those seeking to own the baddest H1 on the block, the Alpha is the choice for you.

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Mercedes Benz G Class

Whereas most Mercedes models are befitting polished corporate executives or stuffy lawyers, the G Class models are more appropo for rappers, Western land barons and military junta leaders.  The G class is the embodiment of brashness, and in addition to manly style it boasts flawless construction and supreme performance.  Best of all, all this manliness does not sacrifice luxury — the G Class remains opulent, reminding you that you are still in a Mercedes.

The G Class dates back three decades, and it was originally designed for military use.  In 2002, it arrived in America causing drool to run down the chins of those seeking to make their manliness quite clear in their choice of vehicles.  The G Class weighs in at over a whopping 5600 pounds, and anything on the other end of you while in it certainly will get the worse end of the bargain.  You get a feel for the quality of this vehicle when you slam shut the side-swinging rear cargo door which shuts like a finely crafted bank vault.

If anything, the G Class is over-engineered and has indestructible qualities built into it that the average American suburban or urban driver will never need.  However, if you find yourself immersed within an impromptu coup or in the middle of an earthquake, you’ll certainly be thankful for splurging on this very expensive manly vehicle.  For those prone to be the target of machine gun fire, the AMG version of the G Class can be equipped with armor plating and bullet-proof glass.  This probably is one of the reasons which explains the popularity of this vehicle among the rapper set.

Don’t expect this vehicle to handle well around corners or blow away other cars off the light — the G Class was built for toughness.  The height of the Mercedes G also makes it difficult to fit into many urban garages.  Additionally, if you care about the environment or gas mileage, then this isn’t the car for you.  Not being a practical car, the G Class is almost always a second or third car — so you might think about a Prius or Volt as your daily driver to make up for your sins while tearing the road up in your hulking G.

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SportChassis P4XL

The H1 Alpha and Mercedes G Class are all well and good, but if you have a spare quarter million burning a hole in your pocket, then you can step up to the ultimately manly SportChassis P4XL.  It is not hyperbole to say that the P4XL is the most elaborate and luxurious SUV ever produced on the face of the earth.  Nothing about this truck is small, and its entire being screams MANLY MAN!.  It has a wheelbase of over 170 inches, and it is over 20 feet between the bumpers.  The P4XL comes with high-end Michelin XZL tires and a 330 horsepower Cummins engine which makes even the most inaccessible of terrain become within your reach.

The 1000 feet pound-feet of torque combined with the ultimately durable 5 speed transmission give the P4XL tank-like performance with the ability to tow a very heavy load.  Shift on the fly technology is deployed within the OEM, four wheel drive ensures ample power, and rear air suspension comes in at an impressive 17,500 pounds.

The P4XL’s interior doesn’t sacrifice when it comes to luxury and creature comforts, and the special Limited Edition includes exotic enhancements like an interior fully wrapped in fine Italian leather.  The SportChassis patented noise reduction system ensures that you enjoy the awesome sound system created by Pioneer just for SportChassis.  Technology is not lacking in the P4XL with voice-activated GPS, Bluetooth, Ipod integration and satellite audio access all coming standard.  Going the extra mile, SportChassis also throws in lesser seen niceties like side and rear view cameras along with FLIR night vision usually only seen in military grade vehicles and fighter jets.  As indicated, this manly statement of a vehicle comes at a great cost — more than the average American home.

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Chevrolet Corvette

The Chevrolet Corvette has rightfully earned its moniker as “America’s true sports car”, and manly men have been strutting their stuff in Vette’s since 1953.  Some desire to make a statement with a vintage model like the iconic 1957 Corvette or 1963 Stingray, while others display a need for speed with later models like the Z06 or ZR1.  The Z06 model sports a hefty 505 horsepower, and the ZR1 is powered by a supercharged V8 yielding a ridiculous 638 hp.

The interior of the 2010 Z06 and ZR1 models is akin to a jet fighter cockpit, and in addition to blazing speed the Vette comes with all of the latest creature comforts and technology.  One thing is for sure — when you’re cruising around with the top down in this speed demon no one will assume a chick is behind the wheel.

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JL421 Badonkadonk

No, it’s not pretty.  Nor does it even look like a vehicle.  You are sure to attract more stares in this psuedo-car than you would driving a Countach or Testarossa.  It can also be yours for under $20,000 — via Amazon.com.  The JL421 Badonkadonk has all the appearance of a homemade tank — probably because it mostly is.  You can drive this unique vehicle either normally within its enclosure, or standing up with your head sticking out of the hatch.  Of course, the armor used to construct the JL421 Badonkadonk is bulletproof as are the indestructible windows.  Having friends come along?  The only place for them is on the roof.  However, the Dadonkadonk has some nice rubber floor mats on the roof and some guard rails to ensure their comfort and safety.

You won’t be passing anyone in this beast — its top speed clocks out at under 40 mph.  However, if anyone behind you becomes pissed, then let them just try to do something about it.  You can have an H1 and a Land Rover crash into you simultaneously and you’d barely notice it.  The sound system in this “car” employs a 1000 watt amplifier with the speakers facing outward — in order to facilitate you making your presence even further known.

The JL421 Badonkadonk comes with a few rarely seen features which can go a long way to coping with othe rude drivers.  The “ring of fire” in this vehicle consists of six nozzles situated around the exterior of the car which serve as flamethrowers.  Controls allow you to massage the size and intensity of the flame to ensure you hit that annoying Cooper Mini as opposed to the innocent Prelude.  To deal with tailgaters, a roaring hot blue jet blast can be shot out of the rear of the vehicle.

The JL421 Badonkadonk was created by NAO Design of Palo Alto in 2002 as a semi-joke, but its appeal quickly caught on.  It has been a mainstay at the Burning Man festival, and has been featured on Discovery Channel’s Monster Garage and MTV’s Wildboyz.  Trust me, even if someone wanted to question your manhood when behind the wheel of this monstrosity, they wouldn’t have the guts.

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