Top 7 Sex Myths Perpetuated By The Movies

Art imitates life, right?  Well, not always.  When it comes to sex, much of what you see in movies is pure myth — and we’re not talking about porn which obviously involves sexual fantasies rarely experienced in real life.  Mainstream movies often perpetuate what are tantamount to old wive’s tales.  This phenomenon extends to how many facets of life are portrayed by Hollywood, in addition to the machinations employed during sex scenes, in order to meet the needs of the censors and the often Puritanical American public.

Sex Does Not Have A Soundtrack

Sure, many of us enjoy good tunes as background music for sex — however, it is not a choreographic symphonic experience timed to the act as seen in many movies.  In the movies, the song never ends until the couple is done, and it most often suddenly appears without either party having to fumble with their iPod.  Musical tracks heard within porn is an entirely different story — odds are if you put that music on it’d serve to quickly kill the mood, unless of course you’re doing it with a porn star.

Couples Always Cum Together

Couples within (mainstream) movies always seem to have perfectly timed orgasms (which also tend to correspond to the musical score).  Obviously, in real life this always doesn’t happen, except there is one commonality that in both scenarios the girl is often faking it.  Simultaneous orgasms are not as common in porn movies, probably due to the fact that mainstream movies are precluded from end scenes depicting the guy spunking into her face.

Women Never Emerge From Bed Naked

In the movies, whenever a women emerges from bed after sex she either wraps herself in a sheet, or she conveniently has a robe which magically appears.  In real life, obviously, you’re blessed with the site of her bare ass headed to the bathroom to pee.  It is doubtful this scene would be included within any future Emmy winning films.  After some random hook-ups with some more dubious conquests, you probably wish it was more like the movies not having to witness previously unseen cellulite and stretch marks.

Sex Always Makes Babies

A majority of movie sex scenes only serve as a predicate to set up the character getting pregnant and having a baby.  This is especially salient in teen movies like Juno.  Hollywood is most probably trying to placate family-oriented theater goers by sending this message.  However, in real life there is a lot of fucking and less than 1% of it actually results in a child being born.  Maybe it’s time for a remake of Looking For Mr. Goodbar to put a stop to this annoying movie plot device.

Losing Your Virginity Is A Life Changing Event

Doing it for the first time is obviously awkward, and in many instances difficult.  However, with retrospect it was hardly that big of a deal and falls under the category of more hype than substance.  In the movies, however, it is always portrayed as a seminal (no pun intended) event with drastic consequences.  Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a good example of this.  Even more extreme, if life was like Risky Business losing one’s virginity sends you immediately down the road to becoming a pimp.

Only Hot Chicks Have Sex

In the movies, only beautiful and fit women have sex.  It might be nice if this were so in real life, but we all know that every guy has at least a small share of homely girls and fatties during their sexually active years.  In the rare occasion a guy in a movie hooks up with an unattractive female, it is most usually a component of a comedic part of the plot line, or just a predicate for him eventually landing the hot chick.

Sex Is Done With A Static Position

The vast majority of mainstream movie sex entails the missionary position.  Occasionally, an edgy film might include a doggy-style or standing in the shower scene, but almost universally in mainstream movies the couple remains in the same position they started until the act is completed.  This is probably due to censoring concerns,  not wanting to show too much as the couple transitions between positions.  However, a talented director could certainly cut between scenes showing a couple going from one position to another without risking the R rating.  This causes one to conclude that the thought of multiple positions is just too much for the average American movie-goer to take.  In porn, the phenomenon is reversed. Each act has a multiplicity of positions which would make a Yoga instructor blush.  Reality is somewhere in between.

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2 Comments

  1. Lexi says:

    Although I find some of this article funny and truthful, you are quite a pig. I’m sure you have had more than your “share of homely girls and fatties.” Please re-evaluate your life.

    Lexi

  2. Justin Bieber says:

    You’re stupid, sex is like the movies you motherfucker.

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